I, I, I, I, IKEA!

Ikea. Oh, Ikea.

What is it about your store that makes the suburbanites squeal with girlish delight?

I like going to Ikea for the workout. It's a huge store, so after I finish my 10,000 calorie triple bypass burger, I can go walk it off to prepare for my beerfest later in the eve. However, I try to avoid picking up a bag or cart when I arrive. It seems to me that Ikea is one of those places where people just saunter around aimlessly picking up things they really don't need and hadn't even thought of purchasing before they saw that huge 100 pack of tealight candles (I'm looking at you, Tiny Elvis...hey, wait a minute...). And we marvel at how incredibly inexpensive most of it is. But I think we forget to take into account that many items there aren't meant to last for the long-term. Case is point, my lovely $10 tea kettle. Purchased for me by my mother one year ago, and it's already showing rusting signs. The only thing that keeps me from complaining is the fact that it was free and that there alternative ways to boil water.

And then there are the people who bring their entire families, plus a few extended members, and make an event of it. I've yet to take a trip there that didn't involve having to manuever around small kids lying haphazardly on the floor or on a piece of furniture I am interested in purchasing. It's interesting: parents let their kids run around freely, like it's the Discovery Zone (ten points to the person who can remember that awesome 90's relic), but then get all antsy when you ask a kid to please move so I can look at the ottoman.

Leashes, people. You don't want strangers demanding that your kids take a hike, keep them tightly teethered to your person. How about taking them to a real playground?

I narrowly escaped the clutches of the Ikea with only one item, a soup ladle that will come in handy at some point. This was only after I put back the tealights and lantern and tealight holders. And the sheet set. And the dish drying rack. And the pillow case. And the duvet...