Four Years a Kansan

I think I'm finally getting used to life in Kansas.

As of August 10th, we will have been here for four years.  Since we moved here just to go to school and wait out the Great Recession of 2008, I never really considered this my home.  Home was always Chicago. Whenever we talked about going to Chicago for the holidays or just to visit, it wasn't "oh, hey, we should go stay at my mother's"; it was "hey, are we going home this year?"  I didn't even bother to register to vote or change my license until I absolutely had to.  In my mind, I was going back home as soon as I finished my degree.  No point in changing anything, right?

Four years later...

I think part of the reason it's taken me so long to assimilate to Kansas is that I honestly haven't been giving it a fair chance.  I haven't exactly tried to learn anything about what makes it unique or what it has to offer.
And it does have a few positives.  I mean, the cost of living is ridiculous cheap (when compared to Chicago). Gas prices are considerably lower.  It's located in a nice in-between spot, giving me an equal distance between my family & Halbastram's family (both trips take roughly 8hrs).

But then there's the problem of having to drive everywhere.  Seriously- people who bitch and moan about how gross and crowded and whatever their public commuting options are: I will trade my commute with any one of you.  Sometimes, when the weather gets bad, as it does in Kansas between December-March, and you can't(won't) dig your car out, it'd be nice to have that bus as a back up.  Let someone else worry about trudging through the snow.  I've got nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  Bad weather in an exceptionally hilly location (yeah, Kansas has hills.  It's not the total flat barren wasteland pop culture has lied to us about) ain't nothing to fuck with.

And so there I am, in my tiny economy-sized automobile, struggling to keep from spinning out on the icy highway, while Toby McPickupTruck whizzes by doing 80mph, spraying gunk in my direction, partaking in general dickery as he is usually wont to do.  And even though the weather is treacherous, I make sure to take at least two seconds out of my busy commute to give him a nice Seasons Greetings!, courtesy of my middle finger.

I do this about three times a day.  Year-round.

Sure, sometimes the train cars smell like New Year's Day and their on-time rating is somewhere in the negatives, but I will surely take that option over the Snowy Hills of Death.

Some days, I will look out the window and think, "take the risk or sick day?  What's that?  Ice storm?  I suddenly don't feel well..."

But it's not all doom and gloom.  August more than makes up for the aggravation of a Kansas winter commute. Which is not a bad month to celebrate a 4-yr moving anniversary.  I'm not sure how many more of these winters I can take but while we're here, I'm going to make the most of it and enjoy the cheap gas.

Until we meet again...

The (writer's) struggle

“Teaching’s just something I do to pay the bills while I finish my novel.  I’ve been working on it for five years.”

“It must be very good.”

“It’s a piece of shit.”

And with that line, I think Donald Sutherland captured the essence of pretty much how all first-time/part-time novelists feel about their work.  I’m not a fan of anything I write and yet I continue to work at it.  Writers are a bit of a masochistic bunch.  We toil and torture ourselves for that perfect sentence, that perfect adjective, that perfect paragraph, that perfect “call me Ishmael” opening line.  And even after all of that, even after people tell us, “hey, that’s a pretty good story,” we’re still not convinced.  It could be so much more, so much better.  Which is why we never stop writing, never stop trying to achieve that literary perfection.

Now, that’s not to say that there aren't “writers” out there who must be stopped, writers with confidence where there shouldn't be any- especially now that self-publishing e-books has made it easier than ever before to give unpublished writers a chance to gain an audience.  Unfortunately, that means that everyone and their grandmother who has ever had a brilliant idea once in the 7th grade is now clogging up the bibliosphere with their nonsense.

But, shouldn't we be happy that people are actually writing things for others to read?  Technically, yes.  I do have a special place in my heart for people who promote reading as a viable leisurely activity (even if they’re only doing it because they’re absolutely convinced that they will become the next J.K. Rowling or Stephen King). 

Also, in a bit of a twist, I’m quite jealous of the confidence that some of those writers have, to just put out their product and throw caution to the wind and your opinion on their writing be damned!  But, alas, I am Donald Sutherland in “Animal House.”  Yes, I have been working on my piece of shit novel for almost 10 years but I will never stop.  

House of Knives

During the summer of 2004, I needed a summer job.  I was living in the city with Halbastram, who was not only paying my rent but also footing all of my bills.  While that was nice, it should have been unnecessary, as I was a completely employable, able-bodied young person.  So I scoured the internet and newspapers, looking for work.  I came across an ad in the Tribune looking for an "office assistant."  Having spent the last two years as an office assistant, I decided that this was a job that even I could manage.

I called to set up my "interview" and arrived at the office building a few days later (fun fact- Halbastram would later work for the property management company that owned the building where my "interview" took place).

When I walk in, I notice at least 10 other young people and am thoroughly confused.  Why are there so many people at my interview?  Why is there so much competition for an office job?  At the start time, Johnny Jerkstore walks in and hands us all a sheet of paper and a pen.  He informs us that we need to fill out some information so that we could be considered for the wonderful world of Cutco.  Yep, the door-to-door knives company.  Not an office assistant position.  A sales position.  I can't be sure, but it seems to me that many laws were broken with their deceptive advertising.

A couple of Russian girls who were there with their mother realized the ruse and decided that they were going to leave.  Obviously this wasn't the ad they answered either.  They politely handed him their paper and pen and, as they were leaving, Johnny Jerkstore responds to them with, I kid you not, "yeah, good luck.  I'm sure Burger King is hiring down the street."  What a professional.

He then goes on about how he started as a college kid with a summer job and how it's blossomed into a career where he gets to bully teenagers who decide that they don't like being deceived.  We then have to listen to some bullshit about the history of Cutco and how to be a dickhead salesperson so we could hawk expensive knives to housewives and the elderly.

At the end there was a quiz where it would be determined who would be fit enough to join the CircleJerk of Lies.  I didn't participate because I didn't want anything to do with this guy or that company.  So I figured, "well, I didn't take that idiotic quiz, so they won't be calling me."

Hahahahaha.  Joke's on all of us.

Less than two hours later, they were calling me, telling me how great I was at the "interview" and they wanted to get me in training right away.  They called me no less than twice a week, wondering why I won't come work for them.  I tried the "I found another job" routine, but they were ready with the comeback: "well, that's the beauty of Cutco: you can do your sales on your time."  I started turning my phone off but they would ALWAYS leave a message.  Finally, I just told them that I was moving overseas to do some charity work due to a religious awakening I recently experienced.  There was no witty comeback for that.  What could they say: "well, you can sell knives to the poor foreigners once you finish building their houses"?  Nope.  That wasn't in their training manual.

Halbastram owns Cutco knives, and they are nice.  But there's something to be said about a company that allows a person like that Johnny Jerkstore to take advantage of teenagers looking for summer money or money for college.  It was slimy and so ridiculous.  There's no shortage of people looking for work at any given time.  There are people who willingly become telemarketers (I even applied to become a telemarketer in high school).  So why lie about it?  Just say, "hey, we need you to sell high-end knives to people who have more money than they know what to do with."  Whatever the job, there's someone out there willing to do it.

Take Johnny Jerkstore for example.  They needed someone to bully teenagers into sales positions.  And he was just the man to do it.  For better or worse.