The cableman cometh...

My history with our current cable company has been a very long, frustrating, easily-brought-up-at-dinner-parties one. It all started about four years ago, when we decided that we were tired of only watching Fox on our ancient living room television. Halbastram arranged for the cableman to come and plug us in (cue porn music here). The man shows up somewhere between 1-4pm (as promised...) and proceeds to saunter over to our tv viewing area. Now, other than just plugging in the tv when we first moved in, we never fussed with or looked at the outlet/cable area on the wall.

And, thanks to my cable man, it was for good reason.

Less than ten minutes of him being in my home, I hear a "pop!" Followed by a "woah!" Follwed by smoke rising from behind my television. Apparently, the outlet in the wall was a tad faulty and when Mr. Clumsy touched it, the tv fried, producing a smell similar to melting Chucky dolls. Frightened, he jumps from behind the tv area, looks at me and asks, "Are you going to buy another tv?" I just stare at him, steaming from the fact that he fried my tv and asked if I was going to replace it. Even if the outlet was faulty, it was in perfect working order before he arrived. After explaining to me that he can't install the cable to a broken tv (I could've slapped him), he gathers his equipment, takes off his science lab shoe covers and bolts. So I'm left standing in my living room with no tv, a sickening pungent smell, and the fear that my place could go up in flames at any second.

Since that disasterous beginning, our relationship only grew more ridiculous. After signing up for a phone line from them, we discovered that 99% of the calls we received to our new number were debt collection calls for a person we've never heard of, so we just kept it unplugged unless we needed to use it.

Because of where we live, we only get certain channels to come in clear. The rest is a pixelated mess. However, we discovered that if we watch those same channels in HD, no more static. It's just their ploy to get you to upgrade to the fancy digital package. Psh.

We would receive bills in amounts that we'd never agreed to. We'd take the bills into the payment center in town, ask them "what the dilly-o?" And discover that they don't even sync up with whoever is cutting us these bills.

For example, a while ago, we received a bill for about $300. Pretty high, considering our monthly plan is about $60. We go in to ask them to explain themselves and the clerk goes, "well, according to my screen here, you actually have a $100 credit." Where this $300 comes from, no one knows. All I want to know is, "should I disregard this $300 bill?" The clerk says yes. And I'm satisfied.

Any rational person would've kicked them to the curb ages ago, but after discovering "The Real Housewives of Orange County", I realized that I need my cable, despite the headaches and the fact that Clumsy Joe never replaced my fried television or even hung around to make sure I didn't catch fire as well.

The things I go through for Bravo...