House of Knives

During the summer of 2004, I needed a summer job.  I was living in the city with Halbastram, who was not only paying my rent but also footing all of my bills.  While that was nice, it should have been unnecessary, as I was a completely employable, able-bodied young person.  So I scoured the internet and newspapers, looking for work.  I came across an ad in the Tribune looking for an "office assistant."  Having spent the last two years as an office assistant, I decided that this was a job that even I could manage.

I called to set up my "interview" and arrived at the office building a few days later (fun fact- Halbastram would later work for the property management company that owned the building where my "interview" took place).

When I walk in, I notice at least 10 other young people and am thoroughly confused.  Why are there so many people at my interview?  Why is there so much competition for an office job?  At the start time, Johnny Jerkstore walks in and hands us all a sheet of paper and a pen.  He informs us that we need to fill out some information so that we could be considered for the wonderful world of Cutco.  Yep, the door-to-door knives company.  Not an office assistant position.  A sales position.  I can't be sure, but it seems to me that many laws were broken with their deceptive advertising.

A couple of Russian girls who were there with their mother realized the ruse and decided that they were going to leave.  Obviously this wasn't the ad they answered either.  They politely handed him their paper and pen and, as they were leaving, Johnny Jerkstore responds to them with, I kid you not, "yeah, good luck.  I'm sure Burger King is hiring down the street."  What a professional.

He then goes on about how he started as a college kid with a summer job and how it's blossomed into a career where he gets to bully teenagers who decide that they don't like being deceived.  We then have to listen to some bullshit about the history of Cutco and how to be a dickhead salesperson so we could hawk expensive knives to housewives and the elderly.

At the end there was a quiz where it would be determined who would be fit enough to join the CircleJerk of Lies.  I didn't participate because I didn't want anything to do with this guy or that company.  So I figured, "well, I didn't take that idiotic quiz, so they won't be calling me."

Hahahahaha.  Joke's on all of us.

Less than two hours later, they were calling me, telling me how great I was at the "interview" and they wanted to get me in training right away.  They called me no less than twice a week, wondering why I won't come work for them.  I tried the "I found another job" routine, but they were ready with the comeback: "well, that's the beauty of Cutco: you can do your sales on your time."  I started turning my phone off but they would ALWAYS leave a message.  Finally, I just told them that I was moving overseas to do some charity work due to a religious awakening I recently experienced.  There was no witty comeback for that.  What could they say: "well, you can sell knives to the poor foreigners once you finish building their houses"?  Nope.  That wasn't in their training manual.

Halbastram owns Cutco knives, and they are nice.  But there's something to be said about a company that allows a person like that Johnny Jerkstore to take advantage of teenagers looking for summer money or money for college.  It was slimy and so ridiculous.  There's no shortage of people looking for work at any given time.  There are people who willingly become telemarketers (I even applied to become a telemarketer in high school).  So why lie about it?  Just say, "hey, we need you to sell high-end knives to people who have more money than they know what to do with."  Whatever the job, there's someone out there willing to do it.

Take Johnny Jerkstore for example.  They needed someone to bully teenagers into sales positions.  And he was just the man to do it.  For better or worse.