Boys & Breakup Songs

As I cruised northbound on I-435, severely butchering Kelly Clarkson’s “Already Gone”, a thought popped into my head in between my maneuvering and pitchy screeching. It’s occurred to me that, in all of my young years, I’ve never had a break-up that was so bad that all I wanted to do was listen to sad/angry songs and scream them out the window while I had a good cry.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’ve had plenty of breakups. Some hurt more than others, but none of them moved me enough to emote. The closest came in the summer of 2002. The summer I pulled a Can’t Hardly Wait and dumped my boyfriend to open up the possibility of dating college boys. After two weeks of realizing that maybe I should have waited until AFTER the summer to dumped him, I called him up, hoping to win him back.

He was having none of it.

Alone with my thoughts, I decided to listen to Jimmy Eat World’s “Bleed American” album and landed on the track “Your House.” This track had always been a point of contention between us; in the nine months that we dated, I was the only one to express love while he remained ambivalent. I played it on repeat, thinking back to that night I told him I loved him and he responded with, “already?”

Lovely way to end an evening, right?

Listening to the song made me feel disappointed, but not sullen. I was 18. I had dreams of marrying a baseball player. This would come to pass.

Breaking up with my next boyfriend went a little easier. He was terrible, so I didn’t need any Reflection music to heal my wounds. I just buried myself in the single life, enjoying my new found sexuality, playing the field until I met my (former) baseball player.

Twelve years of coupledom & he’s yet to give me a reason to belt out a sad song.

I suppose I should feel grateful for that.

But what if I’m missing out by not having my heart broken badly just once?

At this point, if I have my heart broken, it would probably devastate me.

I really wish I had gotten one out of the way.

But I am happy that it hasn’t come to that.