Dreams, decisions and destinies

Yesterday on Facebook I posted an update about purchasing an album I was unfamiliar with after seeing a picture of it on an Apple commercial. The commercial didn’t play an music from this particular album- it was just an actor’s voice-over describing the features of the new iPhone while a personless hand demonstrated. The picture of the album flashed briefly when the voice-over/hand reached the part about the exciting new iTunes features. I had seen the commercial enough that I had committed the name of the album to memory: Ellie Goulding, “Lights.” During my next iTunes purchase-a-thon I made sure to grab the album I didn’t even bother to preview before hitting the “purchase album” button. My reasoning was that if it was in an Apple commercial, it had to be decent. Apple is generally considered a pretty “hip” company, so I’d trust their taste in record-label-purchased taste in music.

The album turned out to be decent. Not mind-blowingly amazing, but I did get a couple of tracks out of it that I really enjoyed. So in the end it worked out, so to speak.

Recalling that instance reminded me of other life decisions I’d made because of television- some of them actually having profound, long-standing effects.

I’ve always been a dreamer: as the single blerd (black nerd) in my group of friends on Chicago’s south side, I spent a lot of time on my own, watching alternative videos on MTV, reading Goosebumps, taking the bus to the library to pick up a ship load of books, etc. I used to imagine myself as a rock star, the girlfriend of a popular baseball player, living on a farm with ten kids in Kenosha, WI (don’t ask why I chose Kenosha). As I got older I never really stopped to consider that perhaps I needed to pull myself back to earth just a little- after all, a little dreaming never hurt anyone. Except when I realized, when actually presented with the opportunity to pursue some of these dreams, how much work was involved and how, maybe, I didn’t want it as badly as I thought.

Let’s look at some examples.

• Around 2008, Halbastram and I started watching a lot of “Law and Order: Criminal Intent.” I became smitten with Det. Gorens and the idea of becoming a detective. Of course, you can’t just leapfrog to being a detective without some cop time in there first. So twice I applied to become a police officer- once in Lisle,IL, again in Olathe, KS. And twice I changed my mind right before the physical test- because I didn’t want it bad enough to be exerting energy and running and shit.
• For Christmas of 2008, I bought Halbastram the boxset of the the tv show “The West Wing” (which cost a little over $300; it is now for sale at Best Buy for about $50...ugh). I’d never seen it before but, once again, just like with Det. Gorens, I’d become enamored with the character Josh Lyman, the Deputy Chief of Staff. Now, this one is a little more complicated. Since my childhood in Chicago, I’ve actually loved all things politics. I used to sit at the kitchen table with my uncle while we watched the news and cracked jokes about Mayor Daley. When it came time to pick colleges, I applied to Truman State because they have the best Poly Sci program in the country. I didn’t know in what capacity I wanted to be involved, but politics have always been destined for my future. Some time after college (not Truman State), I started reading John Kass, a political columnist for the Chicago Tribune and loved his style so much that he became my journalistic hero. I figured that political journalism was where I wanted to be. Fast-forward to 2008-2009- after discovering Josh Lyman, Halbastram and I made the decision to go to grad school because everything around us fell apart: we lost our jobs, our home, our cars. Might as well start over. Josh Lyman still fresh in my mind, when it came time to choose a concentration, naturally I chose poly sci. Not only was it obviously my destiny, but because I made the decision right then and there that my one true goal in life was to serve as some politico’s right-hand woman. I never fancied myself a leader, and I’m generally fiercely loyal to those whose trust I’ve earned. I was going to Josh Lyman the shit out of some mayor or senator or future president. Three years and one Master’s degree later…

It’s probably not even worth mentioning the numerous cooking shows that tricked me into thinking that I knew what the hell a chicken cacciatore was and that I had any business trying to cook it.

I’m 31 now and still as much of a dreamer as I was when I was 11 or 21. I still have grand ideas about working in politics; I still fancy myself becoming a brilliant political writer like John Kass; I still can’t cook chicken cacciatore for shit.

I could scold myself for not taking life decisions more seriously, but I don’t believe our lives are supposed to be so linear. Dreaming of and wanting to do something out of the ordinary or spontaneously isn’t the problem.

it’s the courage to follow through. no matter how long it takes.