Adventures in pre-packaged underwear shopping

I get why people shop at Wal-Mart. Everyone likes to save a buck here and there and sometimes you just don’t give a shit that society mocks those who shop at certain establishments; when the money is tight, keeping up appearances is the least of your concerns. Even I used to frequent the Wal-Mart during my time in Grad School, when I was lucky if I could even afford a box of cheap pasta to feed my family. Over time, though, Target became my primary shopping destination because Target is just so wonderful. While it’s easy to point to the unfair and lackluster business practices of the Wal-Mart corporation, my beef is with a certain caliber of customer. It’s nothing to do with the way they dress or their income bracket. It’s more to do with the behavioral traits of certain shoppers. And while I get that this type of behavior isn’t limited to the Wal-Mart corporation, as I experienced it while working at Big Lots, I seem to encounter this every.freaking.time. I go into one of their stores.

Seriously, people, do you not know what size underwear you wear?

The great thing about brands such as Fruit of the Loom and Hanes is that they offer comfortable bulk undergarments on the cheap for those of us who aren’t in the market for V.S. or La Perla. The caveat to this saving is that the undergarments come pre-packaged in 3- or 5-packs, with the size indicated on the upper right hand corner. If a simple letter is too confusing for you, they also offer an explanation of the sizing on the back of the packaging. So if you know your waist size, you’re good to go. However, there is a percentage of the population out there for whom those two options are simply not enough and have worked it out in their brains that it is perfectly acceptable to just rip open an entire package of underpants, take one out, start pawing at it with their gross hands, decide that they aren't interested, stuff it back into the package they so nicely destroyed and then put it back on the shelves.

You know what? With the internet and the smart phones, there’s no excuse for anyone to not know what boyshorts, bikinis, high-waists, high-cuts or hiphuggers look like. And if you can’t decide whether Large is your size just from the wording on the packaging, taking the underwear out and holding it up to your FACE (where your ass is not located...I think…) certainly will not help. And what makes you think that ANYONE would want that pre-fondled package of underpants that you destroyed? You don’t think- and that’s the problem. And that makes it all the more difficult for people like myself, who aren't devoid of common sense, when I go shopping for underpants, because I have to carefully inspect each package to make sure it’s never been opened (because I know some of the better retailers roll them up all professional-like and stuff them back in and slap a piece of tape on the back flap and call it a day...you’re not tricking me).

Here’s a helpful tip: are you wearing underpants while shopping (PLEASE SAY YES)? Do you have the vaguest idea what size they are? Good, now GET THAT SIZE. If you’re unsure of the cut or style, they have INDIVIDUAL pairs of underpants hanging on racks less than 10 feet away. GO LOOK AT THOSE. Come on, man. I know that it’s easy to not care about something because it’s “not my store” or “they’ll make money anyway” or, the classic, “I don’t give a shit.” You know who does give a shit? Society. Don’t you want to be a member of society? Of course you do. By destroying the pre-packaged underpants and getting your cooties all over them, you’re playing right into the hands of the people who think that Wal-Mart is low rent and mock those who cross its path. Don’t be a stereotype. Cut that shit out.