Just talk.

The passing of Robin Williams is not something that I am taking lightly.  No, I didn't know him personally and honestly, if asked who my favorite comedians/actors were, I’m not so sure he would have made the list.  What’s impacting me the most is the news of his struggles with depression.  Millions of people struggle with depression every day and, much like how people felt about Mr. Williams, I’m sure there are those out there who people look at and think, “how can he/she be depressed?  They seem so normal and happy.”  A writer for Cracked.com wrote an insightful and heartfelt look into why comedians and comedy writers often struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts.  And while I personally don’t fall into that professional category, I do understand wanting to always appear on and ready, not wanting to show anyone any other side of you, any weaknesses. 

Even as I write this, part of me wants to hesitate on calling what I have “depression.”  For as long as I can remember, I have been referred to as emotional- highly emotional, if the universe felt like being particularly shitty that day.  I have this ability to absorb emotions.  It’s almost like The Blob: I take them in, I store them, I feed off of them: happiness, anger, sadness.  When people mourn, I mourn twice as much for them.  When something goes wrong, or when I get upset (and it doesn't take much for that to happen), I shut down: I let it simmer.  And then I get inside my head and can’t get out.  I start turning over every phrase, every movement, every moment, replaying it in my head over and over again until I can’t even think coherent thoughts anymore.

If none of that makes sense, I apologize.  It barely makes sense to me, which makes it hard to put into words.  But the bottom line is that I spend a lot of time in my head.  Which means that a lot of what I’m feeling never comes out.  And it gets to the point where I don’t want to do anything or see anyone.  And just letting things fester unresolved is not healthy for anyone, physically, mentally or emotionally.

I know there are a lot of us out there like that, who spend a lot of time in our heads without anyone being any wiser- not our friends, our families or our lovers.  Part of that is because we don’t want to burden others with what we’re going through; part of it is that we feel no one else would understand.  I know that I have a lot of supportive family and friends and a kick-ass husband.  But when they’re happy or going through their own issues, why bring up mine? 

Following Mr. Williams’ untimely passing, I've been reading many stories from individuals who echo my sentiments, my inner quarrels.  As a community, we acknowledge that talking is something that we need to get better at, but are slow to correct.  And on the flip side of that, perhaps there are those out there who could become better listeners.  “But how can we become better listeners if you won’t talk?”  Sometimes it’s as simple as asking how their day is, what they've been up to and how they’re feeling.  Sometimes it’s more complicated and isn't always easy to spot.  For me, being surrounded by my family and loved ones keeps me out of my head, because it keeps me occupied.  And that occupation makes a world of difference.

So if you or someone you know are struggling with depression, please do not hesitate to talk to someone or seek out a helping hand.  The world may be a fucked up place, but there are solutions and plenty of people who want to make it a little less so.

R.I.P Mr. Williams- and to the many others that we've lost.