Positivity in the Bizarro World

Back in the distant past that was 2008, I started having a few health problems.  Nothing major, but noticeable enough that I realized that my zero years of medical training probably weren’t going to help me out this time.  After a brief visit with my general physician, she advised me to head over to the Building with All the Machinery in It so that I could have an ultrasound conducted.  I was also told that I needed to drink roughly ten gallons of water [citation needed] an hour beforehand, making the trip to the Building the longest drive of my life- and I’ve been stuck in L.A. rush hour traffic before.  The 405 has nothing on dodging stop lights and soccer moms in suburbia while carrying a full bladder.

As I arrive at the Building, I park my car a little too eagerly (read: completely jacked up and in multiple spots) and hop out so that I can get the deed over with.  As I’m closing the door, I hear a woman speaking, so I turn to find the source of the voice.  There is a woman sitting in the driver’s seat of a brown sedan parked three spots down.  I see she’s looking directly at me, so it’s safe to assume that she’s addressing me (possibly about my shitty parking).  Because I was currently living in the suburbs and my “you probably shouldn’t approach a strange person’s car” meter was in the shop that day, I walked towards her car.  She then repeated what she apparently had said earlier: it’s going to be ok.  I spoke to Him and he said that whatever’s wrong with you, it’s going to be ok.

Now, I’m a very spiritual person, but I’m also a realist.  If a person tells me that they have specific information about the Other World, but that I would need to part with all of my worldly possessions to access this information, I would tell them where they can cram their information and then take my worldly possessions out for ice cream just so they know that I’d never give them away.  But I also believe in the power of positivity.  The right positive energy dispersed at the right time can have the most amazing effects and I’ve never been bamboozled by people spouting positive, feel-goodery before.  So I walked away from Brown Sedan Lady feeling like this was going to be the most awesome medical-related visit of my life.  Who knows, maybe the Ultrasound operator would find gold bars in my insidey parts and refrain from asking questions.  So into the building I walked, with a new sheen of confidence and an urge to pee unlike any other I’d ever felt before in my life.

Long story short, I don’t know how much my enemies paid Brown Sedan Lady to come and give me false hope, but I bet they feel like it was money well spent.  Not only was everything not “ok”, but everything turned out to be one clusterfuck after another that would see me visiting a gaggle of doctors, specialists and even the E.R. in the span of a year.  It was like I was living in Bizarro World, where positive thinking and positive words only made things worse.  I ran out of health insurance (and, let’s be honest, energy) before my doctors could positively ID just what in the hell was actually wrong with me, but I’ve been assured by them that “it’s not really life-threatening, just inconvenient.” 

You’re telling me.

For the most part, I’ve been managing without the luxury of doctor visits for the better part of five years now (although sometimes I do wish those sweet latexed hands would comfort me in my worst moments).  If I’m the victim of some sort of “Stephen King’s Thinner” hoax, I cannot stress enough how I want to apologize or make amends for whatever or whoever I crossed.  In my mind, I’m starting to think that I need someone to approach me in public and give me a good, “hey, fuck you!” just to reverse the Bizarro spell.  But that’ll probably just make me cry.  So please, don’t do that.