Stuff white people like

No, tiny elvis isn't being a ridiculous racist...she is just enjoying her new book of the same title. I've only read about 30 pages of the book, but after skimming the many topics that makes whitey so loveable, I realized that I am in fact more white than my husband, which is probably bad. But I'm not sure. I know the book is just based on stereotypes, but it's still pretty humorous.



So, I've decided to make my own list of things black people like. Since not too many of us live in Lisle, I have to base this list on stories my mother tells me about the neighborhood I grew up in (where she still lives) and episodes of Maury.



*Designer baby clothes
-Because it's not enough to have given birth to a beautiful baby; we have to let the world know that our baby is special because we're stupid enough to spend hundreds of dollars on clothes they will more than likely soil with spit-up formula and strained peas.

*Bennigan's (it's a shame that it's closed now)

*Oversized white t-shirts

*Random barbecues

*Tyler Perry-anything

*Air Jordans, even though he hasn't played ball for a million years

*Morris Chestnut

*Six Flags

*Applebees (since Bennigan's is closed)

*Pepsi

*Six degrees of separation
-Because everyone knows someone who knows someone whose cousin once sang in the choir with a twice-removed cousin of R. Kelly.

I'm seriously too lazy to add explanations to the other bullets. Check back later; I'll update it soonish.

Car dealerships and casinos: from the sausagefest to the retirement home

Due to our inability to procure a housing unit, Halbastram and I have decided instead to purchase a new automobile. Wait, let me rephrase that: Halbastram is eager to buy a new car, as his "work" vehicle doesn't hold heat in the winter and the tires could possibly kill him and he'd rather live while driving a warmer, friendlier automobile.

So, despite my protests, we did the good suburban thing and spent our Saturday afternoon at the local Honda dealership, trying to not draw attention to ourselves so the sales-hungry ex-jocko salesmen would keep their distance.

Before I received my raise at the 'R', Halbastram suggested that I try to work as a cashier at a car dealership, because, according to him, the guys working at the dealership would provide me with endless stories which could be turned into some sort of book.

I find nothing appealling about failed jocks trying to push expensive, crappy vehicles on poor unsuspecting people who have Camry money, yet are trying to buy BMWs.

This Honda dealership was no exception. When we walked into the showroom, the first thing I noticed was brown slacks/white shirts/red ties suburban clones huddled at the front desk, drinking from styrofoam cups, sizing us up, deciding whether or not we were worth walking away from the discussion about boats, boating and fishing (their actual conversation...not my own biased opinion) to fuss with us.

Luckily we were not worth the interruption.

The few sales men who weren't discussing the joys of outdoor living were bothering the poor cashier, who couldn't have been any older than 19, flirting, trying to prove to themselves that, despite middle age, they still had it going on.

Yeah, I could I not want that job?

I'm not usually such a feminist bitch...I just hate car salesmen. Especially the ones in Lisle.

After an unnecessarily long time looking at and driving the Honda Accord (it's crappy), I decided that, to make up for my wasted late afternoon, we should venture down to the local trashy casino.

I have this really soft spot for video slot machines, lottery tickets, and flashing lights telling me that I've lost an inexcusable amount of money, so I enjoy going to the casino thoroughly. Whenever I am out in Colorado visiting my in-laws, I make sure to include a trip to the mountain town of Blackhawk to try my hand at the dozens of dazzling casinos...and to look sadly at the land that once belonged to my Native people...but it's mostly for the casinos.

My Cherokee ancestors are frowning at me right now.

Anywho.

As I stated in a previous blog on Myspace, when I go to this particular casino in Aurora, I am usually the youngest person there, not counting the employees. And I always feel that the older crowd doesn't want me there. As I walk past to find a suitable penny slot machine, I'm met with cold fixed-income stares, like I'm invading their turf, the one place they can go, other than their home, to get away from people like me.

I've never been to the casino on a Saturday night, and I know why: every senior citizen in the western burbs is there. Halbastram and I lost $40 within 20 minutes and decided that we couldn't really find a machine that we were digging and chalked up our losing to just settling on available machines.

So we bounced, opting to check out the local Aurora street fest going on. Overall, there wasn't anything exciting about it except for the $2 Miller Lites. For that price, I was willing to put up with the trashy crowd and the Southern rock band, Molly Hatchet, who were the main attraction.

Yup, I'm that easy.

However...after spilling my one and only beer (it was because something buzzed in my ear, I swear!!), we had to depart, since I smelled like a Miller factory.

So off we went, to our homestead, in pursue of Svengoolie, lottery tickets and Heineken Premium Light bottles.

Suburban life is good.

I Complain

Know what I really hate? People who contribute to online forums with nothing of value to offer other than the "sound" of their own ridiculous voice. Even worse are the people who try to e-argue with them.

I realized my hatred for this a few weeks ago when I was reading an article on Yahoo! sports. The blogger had written about something that baseball players do called "the hip bump" and why he thinks it should be banned. I've never seen this phenom, but he included pictures in his article to show how ridiculous the action was. He comically explained his position and I laughed my ass off, which was the intended effect of the article. That is, if you have a sense of humor.

Of course, we know that there are folks out there who just like to be a killjoy because, well, why not? The first few responses to the article were normal, people who said that they found the article funny and that they agree with him. Then there were some people who said that the hip bump wasn't too bad, although there were people who did it wrong, and yet they still laughed at his article.

Then there were those who were super upset, as though they were close friends with the aforementioned baseball players who partook in the hip bump, and let the writer know how much they hated him for having an opinion on a light-hearted subject. Some of my favorite complaints include:
-"must've been a slow day at the office for this to pass as news." (it wasn't news...it was a sports blog...idiot)
-"you have nothing better to do than pick on something as mundane as a hip bump, which is just a way for players to celebrate..." (that's what blogs do...explore the mundane...)
-"wow, was that your attempt at being funny? because I missed it" (that's because you're a tool)
-"why are you picking on the athletes? why can't they celebrate a victory or a good play?" (he didn't say they couldn't celebrate...he just suggested other ways to do so...go back and reread the article, gooftroop)

I know it seems like I'm defending the writer hardcore, but it just bothers me when people don't think before they post something. It's like they just read what they want and then scroll straight down to the "post comment" button and start spewing crap from their keyboard.

This happens more notoriously on the music blogs on Yahoo! There is this one music blogger, whose name escapes me, who inspires the wrath in hardcore music fans everywhere. Whenever this particular blogger composes a list (that's his thing...he makes random music lists), 90% of the responses he gets are negative comments from people whose favorite bands weren't included. "How could you not include so-and-so?? You don't know what you're talking about!" is the usual sentiment. I don't think these people understand that his opinion isn't their opinion and if they are so interested in people knowing their opinion, they should write their own blog. But judging how most of them compose their simple little responses, I don't think the public is ready for paragraphs of their hieroglyphic typing.

Just recently he composed a blog list that was pure research, no opinion involved. He put together a list of the greatest albums of all time using actual numbers of record sales, grammy nods, and some other things I can't remember. Even this wasn't enough to appease the masses. They'd quickly scroll through the list, having not read the exhausting explanation he took the time to type out, notice that their band is either not there or in the position which is favorable to them, and proceed to comment on how terrible the blogger is and how this list was clearly his opinion because their favorite band was missing...

Please, please, please explain that logic to me.

This list was clearly his opinion because their favorite band was missing...

Suddenly everyone is an expert.

Now, I'm not saying that people shouldn't have an opinion...it would just be nice to see an opinion with some logic behind it every now and then. It would be nice to see that people cared enough about the article to actually read it, understand it, and then respond intelligently to it. I mean, I know a sports blog about the hip bump isn't exactly a scholarly discussion, but if you feel like the blog didn't appeal to you, just close it out and find something else. It really is that simple, folks.

Oh, and e-arguing? It's stupid. Don't do it.